Dating Horrors

An Online Dating Profile







AGE: 31
LOCATION: New York City
LOOKING FOR: Someone to marry; Ages 27-35



  • Lime Melonade Seagrams wine coolers
  • My Athearn HO 29301 model train set
  • A Texas Instruments TI-84 calculator
  • A box of Eberhard Faber Mongol 480 No. 2 pencils
  • My Franklin SCD-2100 Merriam-Webster Collegiate Electronic Dictionary
  • Maroon 5


After repeated disappointment set forth by the men selected for me to interact with on this allegedly exclusive website, one whose customer service team has again and again promised me would further screen my potential candidates and connect me only with suitors believed to be of normal mind, I realize I have failed to see that the degree of one’s normalcy relies on the eye of the examiner and that my idea of normal differs greatly from this sites customer service team and screening personnel.

To clarify what I expect from you and to eliminate any conversations which further depreciate my faith in the survival of the male species, I have updated the “About Me” portion of my profile to include a request for specific information that will help me decipher your true level of normalcy.

Inspired by my experiences as an online dating member, these questions have been thoroughly reviewed and critiqued by no less than twenty men. Based on the number of active accounts specified as belonging to a male presently looking for a relationship or marriage within a twenty-mile radius of my home, by mathematical equation, my chances of finding a compatible partner is a dismal 13.7%. By weeding out inquiries based on responses to my survey, the possibility of forming an acceptable connection will increase to 36.9%. As this is a much more agreeable number, I must mandate that all messages contain answers to the questions below in order to receive a response and be considered for a face to face consultation.

Please answer with one of the following: always, sometimes, once or twice, never.

  1. Do you maintain a proper schedule for your food intake in order to regulate your bowel movements?
  2. Do you find the act in which a man slaps a woman repeatedly on the rear-end appealing?
  3. Do you enjoy listening to and singing along to Kelly Clarkson?
  4. Do you sniff women’s dirty undergarments without their knowledge when you’re invited into their home?
  5. Do you have a structured schedule for each week in order to efficiently complete your errands in a timely manner?
  6. Do you take photos of yourself in which a mirror is visible, your areolas are exposed, and at least one arm is in a flexed position?
  7. Do you assign an allotted amount of free time each day to spend with friends or colleagues where conversation cannot reference work or academia?
  8. Do you feel emasculated by the idea of receiving anal pleasure?
  9. Do you enjoy performing sex acts in public, either alone or with a partner?
  10. Do you require words of encouragement or praise in order to achieve an erection?

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