As a huge fan of everything Harry Potter, I was hyped to write a piece for about what it would be like to live in the world created by J.K. Rowling. More specifically, why living in this world would suck. I was approved to write my opinion on several PG reasons why being a muggle isn’t so bad, but I want to take the time to write out some of the more racy reasons why the Harry Potter universe is seriously fucked up. For your viewing pleasure…
SLAVERY IS THE NORM
House-elves are wildly mistreated in the HP universe and are enslaved by most older wizarding families to literally do whatever their master tells them to. Everything from carrying their master’s purse and scrubbing their toilets to testing their master’s food and potions for possible poisons is demanded of the elves, and because they’re magically enslaved they must follow their master’s wishes or else they’re forced to punish themselves. If you’re a fan of the books then you might remember Dobby slamming his head against Harry’s bedroom walls and ironing his hands when he disobeyed his masters to warn Potter.
Of course, owning just house-elves wasn’t enough for these wizards. They fought for hundreds of years and causing several rebellions and wars in the attempt of enslaving goblins as well, creating some serious friction between the two species. Not exactly a smart move when the goblins control Gringotts, which seems to be the only European wizarding bank in existence.
What makes this all even worse, is that they’re freaking wizards. All that magic and they can’t even manage to clean up after their damn selves! How lazy could they possibly be?
RAPE IS PRETTY EASY
Even the worst witches and wizards at Hogwarts who can’t manage to brew a love potion on their own can simply buy one at Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes and slip it into someone’s food or drink. It’s even better than any date rape drug, as the person consuming it will actually think they have true feelings for the person who drugged them. Sex would seem consensual even to the victim, and when it’s all said and done the potion wipes the victim’s memory. All that power can be purchased at a joke shop. Super creepy…
POLYJUICE POTION MAKES THINGS WEIRD
Polyjuice potion might take several months to create and require a piece of hair to be effective, but what’s to stop people from using this to fuck your girlfriend or get you fired from work or even take over your entire life? Literally nothing. The potion is difficult to brew, but there are no laws against using it however you please.
Even weirder, couples would definitely use this to do some crazy role-playing in the bedroom. Why fantasize about the mailman when your husband can actually be him for a few hours? All you need is to get close enough to swipe a bit of hair off their jacket or sweater or go all out and yank a strand yourself. Celebrities might even sell their hair on the black market. How much would you pay to sleep with your celebrity crush?
MEMORY CHARMS EXIST
Aside from using a love potion to rape someone, a memory charm works as well. So, for those pervs who like when their victims struggle to fight them off, they’ll be sure not to get caught by performing a simple memory charm when they’re done.
Then there’s the fact that anyone can steal and profit from your ideas, your memories, and your work without you ever having a clue as we say Gilderoy Lockhart do. Your significant other could have an affair, a friend could slaughter your dog, and your parents could remove themselves from your life all with the flick of a wand, and you’d never even know it.
For more on why living in the Harry Potter universe would suck, check out my article on Grunge.